you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
