Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
