Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
