I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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