why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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