dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
