I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize