Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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