Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
