I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
