God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
