The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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