My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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