shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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