Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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