fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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