I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
