Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
