There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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