Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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