I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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