I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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