It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize