I smell stomach acid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
