she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it's like iHOP with fire
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
