I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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