Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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