Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
