Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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