At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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