Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
