walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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