I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
