Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she pinky promised me she was 18
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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