just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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