Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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