If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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