How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
