You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
