I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
