Sry I called you an 8
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
