How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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