can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
