I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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