I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
