do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
