I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
