Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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