3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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