the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
