I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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