I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
