Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
